I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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