i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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