I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
We were destined to go to rehab together
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
