hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
