Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
