I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
my poor anus
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
