This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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