dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the condom got lost in my hair
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
