There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
