I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
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