I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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