well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
