Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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