I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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