apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
