you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
