i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
