You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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