Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
