I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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