moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
