If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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