My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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