I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
