There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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