is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
