my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
