Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
