I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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