And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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