Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
This is classic penis vs brain.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
