We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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