I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
