Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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