Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
