Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
