All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
