i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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