I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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