I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
