Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
