i used baking grease as lip gloss
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
