The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Randomize
