dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i will never coherently bang her
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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