I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Girls should come with a carfax report
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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