It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
