Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
