kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
