My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Randomize
