Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Randomize
