Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
